Last Day in 24th week

Thoughts of London and Sydney at 4 am.

Its 4am and I cant sleep...oh the joys of pregnancy. Im starting to have swelling in my hands and feet. I cant get my wedding rings off. I know I should tell my Dr, I will when I go to my appointment Tuesday but I dont want him to cut my rings off. They really wont come off and its tight but not so tight that its cutting into my skin. I guess when I can get them off I will have to put them on a necklace or something. Its going to be weird though, I feel naked without them or like a bad wife or something. I dont know I guess Im just crazy. Why am I up this time of morning? It doesnt help that I suffer from insomnia anyway boy has this pregnancy made it worse. Im like a zombie or something, I do not sleep. It could be anxiety. Im suppose to be on meds for that but I dont want to take them because it could hurt the girls. The dr swears it is something I can take, Zoloft or something but Im not taking that mess. Drs are always trying to play God. I'll just have to suffer until after the pregnancy and after im done breastfeeding. Speaking of which, I am totally intimidated by the breast feeding thing. I breastfed all 3 of my boys but they were single babies. How the heck am I supposed to breast feed 2 infants? What if I run out of milk? Breastfed babies eat very often and one baby can suck you dry in 20 mins so with 2 babies Im probably going to look like an oversized raisin or a dried up tea bag...hahaha..I can see it now. Its not going to be pretty. I guess I can supplement with formula but that craps messes their stomachs up if you give them that crap when they are first born. It irritates their bowels and plus it just doesnt seem natural. I dont know I guess I'll just tackle that road when it gets here. But my anxiety makes me worry about crazy things before they even happen or I replay different scenarios of things that can go wrong even if things are okay. Im a nut, But all people that are highly intelligent are crazy....ever see A Beautiful Mind..

I go for another level 2 ultrasound Tuesday also Im praying that they are both getting equal nutrients and blood flow. I will be devestated if they are showing signs of discordance. Im fine for like a week after my ultrasounds and then when its time for another one the anxiety kicks in like a week prior. I really dont want them to be severely premature. It would hurt me to have to leave them in the NICU for months. But thats what Im facing, all of the complications that can show up are rapid. And if I start to show symtoms the Dr just wants to get me to the point where they have a 90% chance of survival. That is 28 weeks but that is still like a 2 pound baby...too tiny. Thats about 3 weeks from now but thats the plan if something goes wrong and the specialist thinks they have a better chance of survival outside the womb, they will take them by c-section. I was told to have my hospital bag packed at my last appointment but I still havent done it. I feel like if I do something bad will happen. I swear its something wrong with my brain...hahaha. But thats my life for right now fear and worry. I was doing some research...yeah you guessed it 'Google" and the article was saying that often times a sinlge placenta shown on an ultrasound turns out to be 2 fused together depending on how early you have the ultrasound done. I found out I was having twins at 14 weeks, I wonder if that was early enough. It would be funny if it turns out that I had 2 placentas the whole time but we wont know that until delivery. One things for sure Im not having anymore kids this is too stressful. Maybe they will be fraternal, that would make more sense, my grandmother had fraternal twin sisters and I have fraternal twin little sisters, and according to my grandfather he had a twin but it died at birth. I dont know. Plus identical twins would totally give me the creeps. ''All work and no play makes Tommy a dull boy'' thats all I keep picturing in my head. Maybe its the hormones that are making me nuts. Ill be 25 weeks tomorrow people. I feel good to have made it this far because back at 14 weeks they didnt think I would make it this far, the specialist was very grim about things. I could have them at 35 weeks and they would be fine. Let the countdown begin. 10 more weeks and you can come out and play. It would be funny if I went full term with no complications....all that worrying for nothing. I know the Drs would feel dumb as hell. We shall see. See ya in week 25 :-) Goodnight, goodmorning rather.